This one hurt to let go of. But healed more than I dreamed of.

This one. I wrote this one in the depth of my misery and pain. I wrote this entry on March 16th, 2016. I had been in my eating disorder for two years and I felt so far down my rabbit hole that I couldn't have ever dreamed that I would climb out. I never ever would have though that I could reach full recovery, let alone any kind of recovery around food and body. I am living proof that you can find full eating disorder recovery. You can find freedom and happiness in yourself and with your favorite foods and even the foods you never thought you would ever go near again. I find ease in making sure I nourish myself in whatever I am craving. Oh, the greatness in this life when you can enjoy whatever foods and drinks you want. I wish the same for you.

Deprived. Depriving. Deprive. It’s what we call it when we don’t think we’ve gotten enough of something. Either we take it away from ourselves, or something/ somebody takes it away from us. Usually, we go without it for a long time, and once we get it back, it’s like a black Friday. We can’t control our actions. We go crazy watching, eating, not eating, moving, not moving. It’s something that happens to all of us at some point; whether we get busy, not busy. When it happens, at first we feel fine, we can go without it, we don't need it anyways. Who needs TV? Who needs food? We go a couple days without it, and we think, is it really that important? We can stop now, can’t we? No, we can’t. We must keep going, our brain is tricking us. We DON'T need it. We don't need it. Do we need it? No. we keep telling ourselves over and over again. To keep from ‘slipping’ we distract ourselves. With anything; booze, drugs, alcohol, sex. Anything. After all, we don't need what we can have. We won't let ourselves have. We don’t, we really don’t. But do we? No, we don't. Sometimes, it is actually something we need, like food. We do need that. But do we? We ask ourselves. Our brain says yes, or conscious says no. We get tired. We get dizzy. We get hungry. We don't need it. We really don't. But do we? No. Yes. No. Once we realize we do, we don't, we can’t realize when we actually need it. WE think we’re taking it away from ourselves. Depriving ourselves. When in fact, at that moment, we didn't think we needed it. Drugs, booze, alcohol. We think we need more of it because we don't want to binge, We don't want to over do it. But then we can't stop. But can we? No. Yes. No. Yes. No. We can. However, the next time we feel the urge we need it and we don't use, eat, have it; we think we’re depriving ourselves. Not letting us, our bodies have it. We’d be depriving our human bodies of our natural given right. But are we? No. Yes. You don't know. The answer is no. We are not depriving ourselves. For so long, we did, we did. But not anymore. Not this time. But is it true? Yes, yes it is. Sometimes the lines fade, and black and white isn't so clear anymore, and we don't know. But do we?

If you or a loved one is struggling, please call NEDA (National Eating Disorder Awareness) Helpline.

800-931-2237