The silence is to much to bear.

Gosh. this one i wrote when everything felt so heavy. i was still hiding my secret. i hadn't told anyone about my eating disorder. i was still living in isolation. on the outside, i was this happy person. i had nothing wrong about me. no one would have ever guessed that i was not okay. it all hurt so bad and i wanted someone to listen to me. i wanted someone to listen to me even though i wasn't saying anything out loud. i was barely there. i wanted someone to see through the bull. i wanted someone to care at a time where no one seemed to care. i now that i wasn't alone then and im still not alone. in feeling that way. in feeling this way. it's okay to feel pain. it's okay to feel deep, bruising pain. but don't let that pain be alone. share it with someone you trust. someone you trust to help you get help. therapy is so healing. you need the right therapist. if the first one you go to doesn't seem like the perfect fit, they won't get offended- i promise. go find another one. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists has a great therapist finder based on all of your preferences and locations! try it out! you might find that you love therapy. i know i do.

Entry 8 ~ 5/13/16 ~ 9:16 p.m

The silence is too much to bear. The silence is too much to handle. No one is speaking, yet everyone is screaming. Screaming for what exactly? The kid who tries so desperately to fit in is screaming at people to notice him. The kid who just sits there is screaming at everyone to notice him. The kid who gets all the attention is screaming at everyone to realize what’s actually going on. The kid who is the sidekick is screaming to be praised. The kid who is trying so hard is screaming to get better. The kid who wants to get people's attention is screaming at people to notice and laugh at their jokes. The kid who is quiet is screaming to be called out for their bullshit. The kid who is dying inside is screaming for someone to talk to them. The kid who is overlooked is screaming to be celebrated. The kid who is never there is screaming not to be forgotten. The kid who gets in trouble is screaming for someone to stop them. The kid who is great is screaming at everyone to slow down. The kid who is new is screaming at everyone to like them. The kid who is leaving is screaming at everyone to like them. The kid who never talks is screaming for someone to talk to them. The kid who is innocent is screaming at everyone to find out their secret. The kid who gets everything they want is screaming at someone to love them. The kid who is the butt of the jokes is creaming to be treated like everyone else. The kid who is silently screaming is screaming at everyone not to find out. The kid who puts on a smile is screaming at everyone to know. The kid who never complains is screaming at everyone to like them. The kid who gets all the attention and laughs at all the right times is screaming at everyone to ask how they really feel. The kid, the kid, the kid. Is it possible for this kid to be entirely one person? All at once. What would this person do? How would they handle it? Can they handle it? Yes. No. Yes. Hopefully. They want to try, but they keep it from everyone. Nobody is hearing their screams because their screaming is on mute. Mute. Mute. No one can hear them. They all just think that the person is an open book. That they have a normal life. With regular arguments with the family. The regular crushes on cute people. The regular mindset of a person. But what if they don't? What if they don't? And what if they want people to hear but no one is listening. No one can hear their cries. But are their cries unmuted? No. Yes. No. they just want those people to figure it all out on their own. With no help. They lead people to think that they have a normal life. Minimal drama life. But what if they don't? What if they miss the way things were? When they were little. What if their life now is real? But they can't go back. It’s not possible. They have to live with it for the rest of their life. IT will never be as bad, but it will always be there. At night, during the day. On breaks. At parties. At people’s houses. At school. On dates. It’s everywhere, and it won't go away. But does that person really want it to go away? Do they? Or do they want to be strengthened by it? Strengthened by the thing that mutes them the most. Mutes them the most. What if their cries are muted on purpose? That's a thought. What if? What if they're muting themselves on purpose? They want to feel that they're reaching out, but no one hears them. But no one sees. They want to feel that they are an open book and are questioning why no one can read. But is it a language only they can read? Who are waiting for? Are they waiting for someone at all? They're waiting for someone to crack the code. They're waiting for someone to hear.

Like always. if you need help, please do not hesitate to get help. call someone trusted. you deserve happiness.