for so long, it's all i've ever known

please, let me tell you. you don't want to stay down, please, let me tell you. you don't want to stay down there. it's so amazing up here! it takes work to climb out- i am not going to lie to you. it's hard, sweat inducing work. but you don't have to do that work alone. find a great counselor, call someone who could help you , or talk to a trusted parent. you know who you can talk to. if you don't, a quick google search about "who can you trust to open up to" will give you some quick pointers on who you can trust.

you can do this. it isn't so dark up here, it's actually quite bright.

. it's so amazing up here! it takes work to climb out- i am not going to lie to you. it's hard, sweat inducing work. but you don't have to do that work alone. find a great counselor, call someone who could help you , or talk to a trusted parent. you know who you can talk to. if you don't, a quick google search about "who can you trust to open up to" will give you some quick pointers on who you can trust.

you can do this. it isn't so dark up here, it's actually quite bright.

-

I'm not a stranger to pain

Like any human, i've felt pain

Pain and i are old friends

Sometimes it's easy to keep the pain

Keep that pain and hold onto it

That pain makes me who i am

That pain has been with me

For so long

It’s all i've known for a time

I like holding onto it

It's the only thing that listens

And stays

And doesn’t leave me

I know I can count on pain

Like i can’t count on anything else

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i wrote this when I feel feeling pain, so much pain. and looking back on it now- i feel so sad for past maya. she had little hope that things were ever going to get better, and little hope that she would put in the work to get better.

saying that pain is an old friend makes me think it's something i always go back to because it's familiar, and somehow comforting with it's presence. and i think that's what i was trying to say throughout, that it's something i've known for so long. so why should i expect anything different? i felt like all the pain that i've felt in my life shaped me to be who i was that day. and it's true. i am a result of my lived experiences.

but i am also only defined by what i want to be defined by. now, there are nuances and history and so much more that goes into it-but overall, our past shapes us but doesn't HAVE to define us. i get it. i've fallen into the trap that because all these people know me as this certain person, that's all i will ever be. and maybe that's true for them. maybe they won't ever know me again in the way that they used to, and so all they will remember of maya was of who she used to be.

but that doesn't have to define how i act and live and breathe today. just because some people know me as one thing doesn't mean i have to live up to their expectations forever.

i can become someone else should i choose to.

now, there is something to be said about healing and grieving through pain. pain sometimes needs to be felt, and I would recommend doing with that with a therapist/counselor so they can guide you through it. because pain is a gnarly son of a gun and there is nothing wrong with talking to someone who can understand you and help you.

again, please, if you're hurting- know that you don't have to do it alone.